Peter Gabriel announced Friday at the TED Conference in Long Beach, California that he was working to develop an Internet designed for animals.
Acording to Gabriel, who's teamed up with father-of-the-internet Vint Cerf, a cognitive psychologist and MIT professor, says the team is "almost ready to turn it on." The four are currently working on securing funds to build a touchscreen interface for dolphins to access the internet. This is great (if hard to believe) news, except for one thing:
Dolphins are jerks. Seriously, despite being insanely intelligent, dolphins are some of the nastiest personalities in the ocean. On the one hand, dolphins possess impressive cognitive abilities, such as self-recognition in mirrors, the ability to comprehend numerical values, tool use and discrimination and matching. On the other hand, dolphins are also known for dominance-asserting rape, infanticide, killing porpoises for fun and a nautical cackle that no one wants to hear on Skype.
What other animals will be grossly inappropriate for Peter Gabriel's animal Internet?
Common Chimpanzee
Like the "majestic" dolphin, chimpanzees get a lot of credit for being smart little monkeys (they're just like us!). They are, in fact, very smart apes capable of very smart things, like tool use, a large range of communicative facial expressions and hierarchical societies.
But chimpanzees are also know for waging large scale wars and engaging in cannibalism . These smart monkeys are also very very violent.
Nor are they all the small infant chimps we're used to seeing on television; an adult male chimpanzee can reach six feet tall.
Where we'll see them online: Kicking your ass on XBox Live. They'll catch on to Call of Duty quickly, and the verbal feces-slinging smack talk even quicker.
Bonobos
Bonobos and common chimps share a common genus, and while they look similar (bonobos are slightly smaller), their behavior is wildly different. Bonobos are known for their peaceful nature.
They are also known for their sexual activity. Bonobos are known to engage in sex for conflict resolution, reducing stress, strengthening relationships and to reinforce social status. Bonobos really like sex, which means they'll love the internet. And if they get on the web, you'll never be able to go on an internet blind date again.
Favorite Website: It'll start with OKCupid and devolve into porn. Any and all types of porn. These are horny monkeys.
Cats
Considering how many pictures of cats already litter the internet, they're sure to love it. In fact, they'd like it even better if all those pictures of things that aren't pictures of cats were gone. Yes, the internet would be much better if it was only pictures of cats.
Favorite Website(s): LOLCats, admiring their reflections and ignoring others on Chat Roulette
Crows
Crows are known to be the smartest species of bird, with intelligence including tool making, hyper-long episodic memories and learning from experience. But all of these impressive skills also contribute to another attribute of crows: they hold grudges. We're sure they'll fit in to the more vengeful side of the internet.
Favorite Website: 4Chan - correct their grammar and they'll steal your credit card number and order 12,000 "personal massagers" to your house.
Bears
It's probably best if we all agree to keep bears out of most things, being that they're giant killing machines that can climb trees and run as fast a horse.
Favorite Websites: All of them. Nobody tells a bear what it can and can't do. Probably something involving salmon and Russian circuses.
